You recently did a call in show about how to save your marriage and I felt you had some really good insight and advice. To piggyback off that episode – I have a situation that is similar to the caller from that show (if things had deteriorated further.) My wife told me today that in her eyes the marriage is over and she’s done. I want to get your input on if my marriage can be saved, and potential ways to do that.
We had our son in 2014- and then suffered back to back miscarriages before having our daughter in 2017. (More on this in a bit as well) The reason she states our relationship is over is based on what she says has been years of not being heard- and my self-admitted anger issues, along with a lack of support from the outside.
I think we had very similar arguments to any married couple. I don’t handle confrontation very well- and would often pull back until I felt I could properly address and respond to a conflict- she wanted it wrapped up immediately. This would often lead to me retreating and her pursuing until I would lash out and say something hurtful. She would then stay awake upset- while I would go to bed. We don’t fight often- but those blowouts poison you after a period of time.
These arguments would often start over something trivial and then build into the fate of our relationship. I am not rationalizing my way out of my hurtful outbursts- but I often felt unprepared to deal with mountainous issues on the fly- and consciously or subconsciously felt like if I could show her how angry the pursuit was- that maybe she would back off or see my point of view. That tactic never served me well and never worked.
I admit to saying things, swearing, sometimes throwing things in fits of anger and frustration. I am ashamed of those occurrences and would take them back if I could. It’s nothing your spouse should ever do. In her mind- the damage has been done for too long. She pushed me to seek counseling etc- and I didn’t. This in her mind, is seeing me as not caring about our relationship- when I don’t think that’s accurate. We have been a happy couple/family. I believe we have had more good than bad. Things start going well- and you stop worrying about the old arguments etc. I am recognizing this was a mistake.
To provide further background- my wife is a stay at home mother and home schools our children. This was incredibly important to both of us- and I would call myself incredibly lucky for being able to provide this lifestyle to her. We cut corners and made sacrifices to make it work…and it did for a time.
About a year ago my wife got involved with some independent media and political pursuits with people around the internet. It was a beacon for her and made her happy in ways I hadn’t seen in a long time. It gave her an identity that she said she had been lacking for so long. I did, and do support her in these pursuits – but also have felt frustration that at this point it’s taken over center stage in her attention. She’s on her phone almost all the time I see her. I have literally felt like I was missing her in my own home. It made working on our relationship pretty difficult. I felt like I was providing for her- and stepping up more and more with the kids to give her time and space- and her appreciation for me seemed to tank with it.
I blew up at her about how she seemingly only has energy for that segment of her life- and she told me it was about the only thing that makes her happy. That last fight – seemed to be the nail for her. I think she views our relationship as something that she wasn’t happy with- and now has something that is exciting her- It’s a mess- but I do not think we are past saving. I knew she had been depressed- and we had things to work on- but my head is still spinning that we are here. Even a few months back I would have told you I had everything and was king of the world. I attached a picture- which captures everything I’m fighting for. Now I spend every minute thinking I am going to throw up- but also an unyielding passion to make this work…